Surely You Jest!

False Alarm :-/

So I thought last night was THE night…I was laying in bed, goofing off playing Hay Day (I should have been sleeping) and started having these intense cramps around 11:30PM that were consistent enough to predict. As time wore on, the cramps intensified. For about a half hour I timed these cramps, all while my mind raced to coordinate our next steps. Call the OB. Call my Mom. Remember the hospital bag. HOLY CRAP. Tell Dorian!!! He was in the front room playing a video game, totally oblivious to what was going on, what I was going through in our bedroom.

I smiled to myself. “We’re going to be parents a fourth time over,” I thought. I began to fantasize about the impending delivery, hoping that my labor would progress quickly and without complication. I thought about those first few quiet moments, after the hubbub dies down and only me and my newborn are left alone in the room, together…

Well, I had better get ready.

I decided to go to the bathroom before I told Dorian. Once I told him, I thought, there would be lots of Oh my God‘s and Are you sure‘s and hugging…Lots of hugging. Which, if you know a pregnant woman, could make her leak uncontrollably. (So a word of advice – Don’t hug a pregnant woman too hard. Your carpet will be eternally grateful.)

While in the bathroom, I had THE MOST GRATIFYING POOP I had had in recent memory. I mean, this poop was worth writing about! You know what I’m talking about – those poops that change your life. Or at least make you a few pounds lighter when it’s all said and done. You almost want to go smoke a cigarette afterwards, it was so gratifying. Yeah, it was one of those poops.

As I washed my hands after doing my doo, I realized that, aside from feeling an overwhelming sense of accomplishment, that the cramping had subsided. I went back to the bed and sat down. I waited a few minutes. Nothing. I felt my stomach. It was still full of baby. I waited a few more minutes. Still nothing.


I had wasted all that time getting all worked up for nothing. Immediately I was happy that I had not alerted Dorian about this ultimate grandstand of a false alarm, because I would have never heard the end of it I didn’t want him to be all worked up for nothing too. So I sighed, got under the covers, and went to sleep. I mean, what else was I supposed to do?

Have you had a time-for-delivery false alarm? Let me know, leave a comment below!

Categories: Babies/Kids, Special/Momentous Occasion, Surely You Jest! | Tags: , , | Leave a comment

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